I finished the book the next morning, and took stock in how much the fear of vulnerability keeps me terrified of celebrating an abundance of joy, and keeps me perched on the branch of safety closest to the trunk, never fully commiting to going out on a limb. A few hours later I would head to the ER to miscarry a sixteen week pregnancy that I never allowed myself to fully celebrate or attach to, much like the two before it, because losing something you wanted is surely harder than letting go of what you were sure would never come into fruitation.
After my first pregnancy and so much excitement abruptly halted by loss I unconsciously would decide a pregnancy isn't real until you are holding a living breathing newborn in your arms, something you did have control of, unlike a fetus in the womb. I would be told three times in my pregnancy with the twins in the first eighteen weeks I either had vanishing twin syndrome or I was losing them, furthering this belief. Brin's pregnancy was marked with an OB who was always cheerfully optimistic and reassuring, but it wouldn't be until midnight on November first that I would believe "yes, we are indeed having a baby". Just one small example of making sure I had some handle over my life.
So what's next? I now had this newfound information on myself! I was ready to change, so I started going out on that limb, I let go of my need for control, and I finally realized what full emcompassing joy truly felt like! I'm just kidding none of that happened. In fact the next two years would wind up being some of the most heavily chaotic of my life-made notably much worse by my tooth and nail fight for absolute control of everything I could not change. It would, of course, be punctuated with prime examples of how things can turn out best even when I had no hand in it. Timing slowly start to be a lesson I was forced to reckon with.
As 2016 rolled around it was set to be a year of huge changes, but ultimately became a lesson in huge last minute change of plans. It would be a good enough year. A year with a more comfortable flow for which I was grateful.
I had no real expectations for 2017. I kind of just hoped for another mostly comfortable year, one with no huge bumps in the road and no big emotion required, just your run of the mill everyday stuff. We would make it approximately until 11:30 pm that first day before unknowingly deciding to do just the opposite of that.
Now I know we are less than two complete months into the year, so it's probably too early to make this call, but I do believe in one way or the other this year will be the year of huge bumps in the road and is already proving to be filled with big emotion. There have been many days that have been met with uncomfortable uncertainty. "What are we supposed to do?" has been a constant question weighing on our hearts and minds. It has been an answer that no matter whose advice we seek the right path is never concrete. We have had to take a few leaps of faith and hope we are blindly wondering into the right territory. We've came to forks in the road. We've came to screeching halts, and road blocks. We've had mini victories followed by everything being up in the air, again. We've felt helpless, out of control, deep sadness, raging anger, and a lot of raw connection. We've had encourging days, sometimes due to new developments, others caused by kind words, support, others offering up help, or even just a conversation with someone who is teaching me how to think outside myself and what it really means to have faith-even when you have least control.
Things feel cautiously stable enough at this point, but much like the differences between being in or out of the womb there is still a ways to go, though I have attached myself firmly to it emotionally. So with a lot going on already I wasn't looking to get into anything else that comes with a "highly emotional" tag attached...I more of half consciously stumbled into it, but it showed up, and with encouragement of many of my most important people I knew it was a limb I had to venture out on. It also has the likelihood to turn out joyously triumphant or completely devastating. It also is something that had to be explored, and with no real roadmap as well, but so far has been a much more wonderful experience than anything that has proceeded it.
I sit here now listening to my blissfully unaware daughters playing school on their Saturday, and my heart feels full with everything that I have, as well as everything at stake. I know that the next week or two, and even beyond, there is almost complete certainty that our whole lives will be shaken up, but I couldn't possibly even begin to say with that same certainty how. I know that both situations are completely out of my hands, and even though that still makes me uncomfortable, I hope I am at least learning how to let go of the reigns. I have an even deeper appreciation for those who are in my life, both old and new, most of which are starting out new adventures or are facing their own uncertain paths. And even though 2017 started out with no real expectations, with hope of no new bumps in the road or big emotion, I have decided I want this year to be the exact opposite. I want 2017 to be the year I tend to my relationships, the year new things are thrown our way, we go out on limbs, and the year I am vulnerable enough to meet big emotions head on-even if I'm imperfect at it.
No comments:
Post a Comment